Dear Dr. Dave and Dr. Dee, I am 42 year old mother of 13 year old son. I left my husband nine years ago because he was irresponsible, verbally abusive, and didn't hold down a job. My ex-husband never provided child support, however, I always allowed full access to our son, even arranged and paid for my ex's car expenses when he visited, but he rarely took advantage of the easy access to his child. It has taken me years to pull myself together to get involved again. The new man in my life, "Jack", is the complete opposite of my ex-husband. He is a hard worker, treats me with respect, gets along with my son, is protective, kind, brought the church into our lives, we share the same hobbies, and we are both musicians. But, ever since Jack and I became engaged over a year ago, our relationship has been a rollercoaster, fighting, breaking up, getting back, fighting, etc. The only areas that we got along in were music and sex. I complained to him and told him that I felt that he was boring, that he didn't provide the fire that I need to stay interested. The everyday household stuff was killing me. I couldn't stand to see him not be hands on with the house, if I don't do things, nothing gets done. Example of an evening together: I cook dinner, he sits on the couch. I clean up, he offers to help, but I usually just get it done before he offers. When I'm done, I resent him. He doesn't talk much, is mentally inferior to me, I am bored, start criticizing him and he ends up hurt, then he gets mad, I start crying, we end up holding each other and saying that we still love each other. It's emotionally draining. Also, I am still secretly attracted to my ex-husband. As irresponsible as my ex is, he provides stimulating conversation, and is very funny. No other man has ever loved me as much as Jack does and I fear no one ever will again. But, I am mentally bored and ruin things all the time. I don't blame him if he walks away from this. Signed, Help Dear Help, Often people who have been emotionally abused suffer from low self-esteem. Self-esteem is how you feel about your self-worth, your importance. (Click on link below). The fact that you still are attracted to your verbally abusive irresponsible ex-husband who shows little interest in his own son, is an indication of your low self-esteem. Jack is the opposite of your ex-husband, caring, kind, hard-working, you have chemistry together, similar interests, yet you find him boring mentally. Your lack of self-esteem is subconsciously driving him away, you feel you don't deserve him. Low self-esteem contributes to poor communication and problem solving skills, both causes of the rollercoaster relationship. Poor communication can include difficulty expressing feelings, not truly listening, assuming what the other means, and berating the other person. For a successful relationship, you and Jack need to learn how to solve problems together, have constructive discussions, compromise, and come to an understanding, without anyone's feelings getting hurt in the process. To communicate and solve problems effectively, it would be helpful to seek the advice of a relationship therapist who could give you the skills necessary to maintain a healthy relationship. |
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| Self Esteem Challenges |