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Don't Pressure, Intimacy Takes Time

Dear Dr. Dave and Dr. Dee,

I'm 23 years old and, unfortunately, already been married and divorced. I just recently returned to the states after a 3-year tour overseas. About 10 years ago, I dated this really sweet girl. Things between us never got physical, let alone sexual. After not talking for almost 4 years, I got back in touch with her upon my return to the states. We were seeing each other about 3 or 4 times a week and it seemed like things were working out. I'm usually a pretty shy guy. One night I got the nerve to tell her that I still loved her after all this time; she told me the feelings were mutual.

However, since the night in question, we seem to have become more distant. She states that she wants us to get back together in the long run, but I'm not sure how long I'm willing to wait. She has other people in her life that she's been dating. There is nothing I wouldn't do for this girl and she knows it. She continues to hold up progress between us and has not once given a reason behind doing so. Please help me to try and understand why this is happening.



Dear Confused,

You may have known this girl 10 years ago, but you were only 13. Renewing the friendship will take time. You have already been married and divorced. Learn from that experience, and don't rush into anything. She is doing you a favor by not rushing into intimacy. Intimacy doesn't mean sexual intimacy, but a connection, a deep friendship and understanding of each other. This type of intimacy takes time, and will develop into a very special relationship if you let it. Do not put pressure on her. Pressure makes people pull away. It also makes you appear controlling and needy. Let your relationship grow at its own slow and steady pace.