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Old Flame Returns, Divorce Not An Option

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Dear Dr. Dave and Dr. Dee,

I have been married seven years and have two children. I married even though I was in love with someone else.

Although my husband is good to me, he doesn't really do anything unless I ask, he is glued to the TV as soon as he gets home from work, and doesn't pay attention to the children or to me. We have had several major fights where I almost walked out.

Well, the man (soul mate) that I have been in love with all my life has now gotten in touch with me. I have been waiting a life time for this call. I would have been with him in the past, but he was in the military and now he is out. I can't keep this other man out of my mind.

I have been brought up that you never divorce the person that you married. But this other man is constantly on my mind. I do not want to live the rest of my life unhappy, getting old and wishing that I had done something about it. How do I find my hearts desire and act on it?


What To Do?

Dear What To Do,

When people are in a stressful, unhappy marriage, then looking outside the marriage is a common way to find relief. Unfortunately, this is not the way to improve the situation.

In your case, an old flame is back, and thoughts of happier times, old feelings, and youth are making your marriage look like a bleak situation indeed.

I agree with you that one should never divorce, except in the case where the spouse is an abuser. However, you indicated that your spouse is good to you. If you have tried counseling, but it didn't help, then you need to find a better counselor. You and your husband need joint marriage counseling and individual counseling to get back on track. If your major complaint about your marriage is your husband's lack of attention, motivation, and backbone, then counseling should help remedy those problems. Individual counseling will help you figure out why you still are emotionally attached to this other man, and how to detach yourself.

Remember, your "soul mate" did not ask you to marry him. You haven't heard from him in seven years. Stop living in the past, avoid this other man, and work on your marriage. If things work out, you will find your husband is your real soul mate.